Meant To Be

This blog was meant to be about a lot of things. About my indiscretions, about the lessons I have learned from them, about events in my past and how they made me who I am today. But, as we all know, things change.


I've been called by a lot of names. Bitch, whore, slut, loser, nerd, friend, sister, daughter, mother, maid, slave, liar, shit-talker, bestie, christian, wimp, nobody... some true, some not. 


I have once again earned a name.... It's the same as one I've had before, but now two voices will call it, instead of one... That name, is Mother.


I've decided to use this blog as a pregnancy tracker blog. Keep a record of my appointments and other doings, my thoughts, my accomplishments, and so on.


I found out March 10th that I am pregnant. I'm carrying what will be my second child, but my 8th pregnancy. I'm worried, I'm scared. I'm anxious, I'm excited. I'm celebrating, yet I feel like the only one. I'm ready for this. No, not financially, but it's something I've wanted for a long, long time. Three years or so. No one thinks I can handle it. To an extent, I agree. But then again, in my defense, no one knows what I can handle, except me. No one was there when I lost my children, I was just supposed to "suck it up, and get over it." Not good advice. At all. Quite possibly the most suicide-causing thing to say to a BLM. (Baby Loss Mother) I take that back. There was ONE time I had someone with me when I lost ONE of my children. It was the child's father. But it wasn't long before he started with the "get over it" as well. Turned a beautiful thing ugly. Not that two grieving parents can be considered a beautiful thing, but the fact that he was there, holding me, crying along with me, over our child, meant a lot to me. It was a beautiful thing, to me.


So back to where I was... March 10th was the day I found out I am pregnant. I took a home test, and followed up with a test from Pregnancy Resources. Both tests very quickly, very clearly showed I am pregnant. I still have both tests, and the paperwork Pregnancy Resources gave me. They originally set my due date at November 10th, due to the inaccurate date of my LMP. I couldn't find where I had written/typed what that date actually was. So I said 2-3-11. I was only off a few days. According to my scheduler, it was 1-31-11. Which would make my due date 11-7-11. However, I had my first prenatal check up 3-28-11. I was seen by a Physician's Assistant. She did bloodwork, and an ultrasound, as well as a pelvic exam, and told me something I had been contemplating for a while now... I'm farther along. My due date will be changed again, but we're not exactly sure to when. The ultrasound she did came with a warning. She said "I'm not a sonographer, so I'm just going to let you take a quick look." Well, I'm not a sonographer either, but I do have some experience with ultrasounds, due to the fact that I have witnessed friends and family's ultrasounds, and I've had a few myself. The baby I am carrying, is BIGGER than a 9 week fetus, in mine, and the Physician's Assistant's opinion.